Someone must be praying for me. Whoever you are in the universe, thank you. I woke up yesterday with this energy. This motivation that picked me up, took me over to my laptop at five am, and had me googling motivational music. Motivational videos. This energy, wherever it came from because it sure as hell didn’t come out of me, told me to quit everything, eat vegetarian, eat clean. I began looking up Paleo Diets, clean eating. I sought out truth on changes, inside, outside. I realize I am a work in progress, a very big work in progress.
When I started this blog 19 months ago, I did it to talk about my journey about getting the sleeve. This blog has morphed now into a whole (lately neglected) but more focussed missile on my self-discovery, or need for it. So if you still want to hang here for the ride, I may not talk about the sleeve as much, heck, it was 19 months ago. What am I eating? ANYTHING I want now.
(Still in smaller quantities, of course)
Have you ever been to a fortune teller? Well I usually steer clear of these darker arts, because I tend to play with them a bit. They try to read me, I block them out. I let a bit in, they sit there puzzled. I do this now because the last time I went to one, she looked over my shoulder and said “Who is the older man close to you that just passed, because he is with you right now”. My husband’s dad had died mere months before that. And I had more than one experience where I felt like I wasn’t alone…and well, I just wanted to leave the spirit world in my oblivious state of mind a bit longer, thank you very much.
So anyhow, my work hires a Fortune Teller and, egged on by a few colleagues, I stand in line and wait. And wait. I think to myself, she must be really good, because this line is going nowhere. Or maybe it was the sign from the universe I should step out gracefully, because I won’t like what I am about to hear. I mean, life as I knew it, is still upside down. My husband, still out of the house. We try to write a separation agreement and can’t come to grips with it
. He comes by sometimes, when I feel pity/regret/humility/sorry/reminiscent/lonely/horny.
It’s not over yet, as much as I think it probably will be eventually…I am having a hard time letting go of the dreams I had with him, even if they were falsely wrapped up in loose brain waves and faulty wiring.
(Oh, and did I mention my father was diagnosed three months ago with paranoid schizophrenia? OH ya, NO JOKE, my dad thought three months ago that he was selling his phony facebook company to Mark Zuckerburg, saving the world, and him and Barack Obama had a conference call and basically, everyone is out to kill him. And he had ball cancer. And throat cancer. Well, after 3 horrific months of hospitalization and trips back and forth to visit, I am completely checked out of all of this shit. Yes, I am big disappointment to my family, I know. But I am failing as a human being myself, and we will get to that. I am fucking SURROUNDED by mental illness)
Tally this up: In one year, I have lost two of the closest men in my life to an invisible disease that no one likes to talk about, let alone help you with. My brother, I fear, isn’t far behind…and he knows it too…as he blogs about Chem trails and delusions of grandeur, not sleeping and how he is psychic. OR maybe he just is way more clairvoyant than I am.
(OR, “Maybe I am the crazy one, because when it is everyone else around you…maybe that finger should be pointing squarely at YOU”, says the devil on my shoulder in it’s little red dress, french beret, guzzling booze out of a plastic cup).
But back to that psychic. So after an hour in line, I sit down, she hands me cards. I shuffle. She splits and deals. She reads the cards, looks concerned. She tells me:
Her: “You are not happy with your job”.
Me: ” I love my job!” …try harder…I psychically tell her.
Her: “You have been focussed on the physical realm for a very long time. You need to spend the next 3 years on the spiritual. You seem to be missing this lesson. All around you, there are signs but you are stubborn”.
Me: Oh shit, but I really am great in bed, and look at this body, says my Drunk, shoulder-humping devil
Her: You are very forceful, masculine energy at times. You need to work on your feminine, side…the soft ear, the nurturing side…you have been in a position where you have needed to be masculine for some time.
Me: OK, that’s it, you facebooked me, didn’t you. Shit, shit, shit.
After her reading, people asked how it went. The few at work who knew what was happening on the home front were I think hopeful that maybe she would tell me I’d meet a millionaire who loves me and is dashingly handsome and has a big um, well anyhow, I think they were hoping for something positive. But what I got from her, after a good twenty minutes is that I need to find out more about me, I need to understand what I need and I need to seek out spirituality, intuitiveness (Which, she hinted she picked up I was before quite psychic) and ya, I am a real work in progress.
So here is my brain, like a dryer sheet tumbling amongst my thoughts, weaving in and out…not capable of slowing because there are too many thoughts. Too many to count.
First, there are my fears. Let’s face it. I am 37.5 and alone in this world right now. I got a small family, a few kids, and some close friends. But, when shit hits the fan in my life, I have always been alone to deal. Why? Because that super-awesome forceful energy that is ME is the one always there to pick up everyone else’s shit and hand them a silver platter at the end of it. So when I am drowning, and really drowning, I tend to claw, clasp and hang on to whatever I can. Like how I have been drowning the last year. I’ve experienced loss after loss and, yes, they didn’t die, and yes, maybe one die, science will fix my husband’s brain, and my dad’s brain, and we will laugh over Christmas dinner how my husband was hearing voices and my dad thought he was on the news being interviewed by CNN. Yaaaaa.
Second, I am so off track, I don’t even know where to start. I tell myself baby steps, I remind myself that I am only one person. I got a crazy career, a busy homelife, and lack focus sometimes to stop and think.
Third, there are the things I don’t know that I need, the things that perhaps I cannot even recognize because my head is so far up my ass, scared of what is next, that I can’t listen to what the Universe is trying to tell me.
So for now, I am trying to seek what I need. I am open to suggestions, world.